Why I Am Cooler Than You

Because I'll do anything to be cool. To be bad. To be rad. To be hot. To be oh so mutherfuckin grooooovy. I'll watch network television until my eyes bleed. I'll go to Jamba juice just to try the new granola thing. I'll cross the street only at crosswalks when the light thingy says so. I'm so cool I'll do your taxes, correspond with your great aunt and become friends with your cats. I'll even call cardio aerobics, find spandex at the thrift store and film my own fat people work out video. With cupcakes. It will be called "Cup Cakes and Dumbbells, the Zen Approach to Health".

I am cooler than you because I don't care about your deep seeded motives, your love life or your childhood. I don't think tone of voice is important and I'm not going to read anything into unreturned phone calls, your love of phone sex or any other tele-perversions you might be down with. Are you into slings? Do you litter on the highway? Do you spit in other people's food? Okay. How about peanut butter? Do you like peanut butter? Me too. Let's be friends.

I'm cooler than you because I believe the world is a simple place filled with simple people and complicated dogs.

I'm cooler than you and your friend because I don't dress up to get down or vice versa.

I'm cooler than you because I can touch my toes and I know what to do with hazelnuts.

I'm cooler than you because watch this hair. I said watch it. And these legs. Oh, baby. Just watch.