Hail!

Hail to the oyster that never opens, the little sleeping one at the base of the skull that occasionally pipes up in its puny voice a reminder of its existence. Inside the oyster is a pearl, a pearl of solutions, grand schemes, breakthroughs, exalted thoughts and a million tiny multiplying pearls of wisdom that if released would nest in your brain inducing an illuminated, trance-like state.

Hail to inspiration that waits in the wings while dark cloaks parade on the stage and the audience sits dully, blunted by pharmaceuticals, ego mania, caffeine exhaustion and world weariness.

Hail to small thoughts that become big thoughts that become things, something between covers, something that comes out of a mouth or out of a pen or from the tips of fingers or from the tops of heads.

Hail to the evening that jubilantly supersedes the workaday and basking in its glory forgets the tepid coffee splash drops drying and crusting in the glow of the omnipresent screen and the click, click of keys and the ring, ring of phones amid the symphony of the mundane.

Why I Am Cooler Than You

Because I'll do anything to be cool. To be bad. To be rad. To be hot. To be oh so mutherfuckin grooooovy. I'll watch network television until my eyes bleed. I'll go to Jamba juice just to try the new granola thing. I'll cross the street only at crosswalks when the light thingy says so. I'm so cool I'll do your taxes, correspond with your great aunt and become friends with your cats. I'll even call cardio aerobics, find spandex at the thrift store and film my own fat people work out video. With cupcakes. It will be called "Cup Cakes and Dumbbells, the Zen Approach to Health".

I am cooler than you because I don't care about your deep seeded motives, your love life or your childhood. I don't think tone of voice is important and I'm not going to read anything into unreturned phone calls, your love of phone sex or any other tele-perversions you might be down with. Are you into slings? Do you litter on the highway? Do you spit in other people's food? Okay. How about peanut butter? Do you like peanut butter? Me too. Let's be friends.

I'm cooler than you because I believe the world is a simple place filled with simple people and complicated dogs.

I'm cooler than you and your friend because I don't dress up to get down or vice versa.

I'm cooler than you because I can touch my toes and I know what to do with hazelnuts.

I'm cooler than you because watch this hair. I said watch it. And these legs. Oh, baby. Just watch.

YAKATTACK!!

Why I Want a Pet Yak

1. Because bovine is in my nature, and rather than being ashamed, I am proud to admit that. There is a reason, for example, that the cow is sacred in India, and unlike my canine pets here in the US, a pet yak in India would probably be allowed to accompany me to restaurants and other public venues. I can see it now . . . me and my yak, lounging around and munching on a salad. I wonder if yaks like cilantro and chilies.

2. Because I could save on my heating bill. I could just build a barn and sleep in there among the glorious soft tresses of my beautifully soft yak. Yak fibers are well known for being downy soft . . . which leads me to my next item . . .

3. I could spin, knit and sell yak fiber. Just think of the niche market for yak hats and yakkats.

4. I can dress up my yak for holidays and also just for fun. I looks like they like it!


5. Because yaks are our friends.

6. Because I can finally participate in the sport known as yak racing. No, I did not make that up.